A Mumbled Mash.
Because I can't say it all yet.
Hey, I heard you were a wild one, with your feet always tapping & your fingers always rapping, rapping, rapping on the cellar door. I lost my spark, I did, I’ll admit it, but that’s the beauty with fire because you just light her up again, don’t you, bud? God do I miss rolling in the river topless with you & god do I miss rolling in the mountains naked with him & god do I miss the feeling of air between my toes soaring from bridges that would eventually take its meaning from life to death, but I don’t care because I’ll spread my toes when I jump out there into you. What a fucking fever dream it’s been since you left, bud. There’s jazz in my head all the time now & my shoulders won’t stop shaking- is that you shakin’ ‘em? I’d like to think so so I’ll let myself think so. Can you believe I still gotta naw on about these money men? Wrapped in their long lashin’ red tipped tongues, they just don’t quit, & LORD KNOWS how it makes me want to scream. I have been screaming through the heartbreak, I have been screaming through the fear, and I have been screaming through the deep disbelief unknowing earth shattering realisation of it all. I’m tired, bud. I’m so tired, and the night is still getting darker, and my appetite for soup is damn near gone. Suppose that rattling I hear when I walk really is just my bones. My bones in the soup and my bones in the bridge and my bones will be in the ocean long after I’m gone. My bones in the ocean will never be wrong.
Resolute
In softness
I’m determined to stay
Forged through the fire
Of eternal seeking
There isn’t a rock unturned
That would’ve led me
Anywhere other than you
My greatest love story
& from you
All paths forward
Now lead
& you’ll be left in the wake
Of hell hath no fury
Just as soon as I’m done
Forgetting your name
Mending my tattered soul &
Scrubbing my soiled skin clean.
Writing doesn’t feel safe the same way it used to. Why do I feel like there are more eyes on me the older I get? I fit back into my size 12 jeans today, and that feels like something worth celebrating, but it only reminds me of my mono body when I was 19. I’ll be applauded, but for what? The stress? The tissue around my bones breaking down? Having a body is such a strange and overrated experience. BUT PERHAPS…yes, I’m tired of that to.
i hear you.